"Molly, look at that." "What is it now, Bill?" "That inflatable flamingo. It’s looking right at us." "It’s a lawn ornament, Bill. It has no eyes." "I know, but it knows. It knows we’re up to something. It knows we’re going to steal presents from a six-year-old named Kevin." "We are not stealing from Kevin. We are liberating those presents. Think of it as gift recycling." "Recycling? It’s petty theft." "It’s capitalism in reverse, baby. Now, get your bag. The noise cancelling headphones are vibrating in your pocket, you’re just too nervous to feel them." "I’m nervous because I’m holding a bag of canned air. What am I supposed to do with that if they catch us? Blow them up?" "You wingman, Bill. You provide the distraction. You trip over the sprinkler system. You trip over the garden hose. You trip over absolutely everything." "I can’t trip over the sprinkler system, that makes a lot of noise." "Then hold onto it. It’s part of the tactical loadout. Come on, the bat signal isn’t going to beep itself." "The bat signal is a sky projector." "It’s a signal from the Bat-Man. Now, up the trellis. You first." "I feel like I’m participating in a crime against nursery rhymes. It feels wrong. I could be at home watching soap operas." "You’ll be watching soap operas in a much nicer house, provided we get that PS4. Did you research the target?" "I checked the gift registry online. It’s going to be a massive haul. Lego set, a puppy, maybe a wagon." "A wagon is a weapon of mass destruction in the wrong hands." "That’s what I keep telling myself. Is the rear exit unlocked?" "It’s locked, but the lock is covered in toothpaste. It’s the work of a genius, really." "Toothpaste?" "It’s slippery, but you can usually jimmy it with a credit card if you have the right technique. Which I do." "You have three credit cards and they’re all maxed out." "They’ll be less maxed out after tonight. Okay, listen up. We hit the back door. You handle the gnome. I’ll get the loot. We meet at the van in exactly four minutes." "What if Kevin tries to hug me?" "He’s a baby. He can’t tie a shoelace, he can’t choke you." "He has sharp teeth." "So does the thing I’m stuffing under my coat. Now, move." "God, I hate children." "That’s why they’re the perfect mark. They are adorable and defenseless. Like pigeons in a park, but with more noise." "Fine. I’m going in." "Go get 'em, tiger. Go get 'em." "Smile for the bunny."