Run: 2026-03-18-01KM090JR995VA58A5555AXVX1

Molly: Bill, keep your voice down. The bounce house is basically a drum. Bill: I’m whispering with confidence. It’s an art form. Molly: Your confidence sounds like a foghorn. Did you check the gift receipts like I asked? Bill: I checked them. Mostly I checked the ceiling, because you told me this party has “sharp decorative intent.” Molly: It has Sharp Decorative Intent. That’s why we’re going in through the side gate, not the front. Front is where the parents stand and judge your soul. Bill: I can judge my own soul. I’ve got a mirror. It’s the microwave door. Molly: Microwave doors don’t judge. They just catch you eating alone at midnight. Bill: That’s not alone. That’s me with my feelings. Molly: Focus. The target is all presents. Not “some.” Not “a couple.” All of them. Bill: Every last box? Even the weird science kit with the warning label that looks like it knows our names? Molly: Especially that one. Parents love “learning experiences.” We love “not paying for learning experiences.” Bill: That’s our brand. “Financially Adventurous Education.” Molly: Bill. Please stop inventing slogans while we commit crimes against party favors. Bill: I can’t help it. My brain has a coupon algorithm. Molly: Great. Your coupon algorithm can’t find me a door code? Bill: Door code? I thought you said we were doing the “generic sneaky method,” like in movies. Molly: Movies also include dramatic music, and none of them include the smell of gluten-free cupcakes. Bill: Those cupcakes scare me. They’re like, “Good for you,” and then they taste like homework. Molly: The plan stays the same. We enter, we locate the stack of presents, we bag them, we vanish before the magician does his whole “volunteer from the audience” thing. Bill: I hate that. He always picks someone who looks like they owe him money. Molly: He picks someone who can’t say no to a cape. That’s not our problem. Our problem is the security camera. Bill: I already neutralized it. Molly: You—what did you do? Bill: Neutralized. I made it… admire me. Molly: Bill. What did you do? Bill: I waved at it. Then I did a little flourish, like, “Hello, fellow robot.” Molly: That’s not neutralization. That’s flirting with surveillance. Bill: It worked. The camera blinked. Cameras don’t blink. Molly: They don’t? Bill: It blinked. Maybe it was just… having feelings. Molly: Cameras don’t have feelings. They have firmware. Bill: Firmware can have feelings if you upgrade it with charisma. Molly: We’re wasting time. The party starts in five minutes. Bill: Time is fake. Like broccoli. Molly: Broccoli is real. And so is the timer on my wrist. It says four minutes and fifty-seven seconds. Bill: Then we should hurry. Quick question: are we stealing the presents first, or the juice boxes? Molly: Juice boxes are bait. We take those later. Bill: Later when? Molly: Later never. We take the presents. We leave the juice boxes so the parents think the kids simply thirsted. Bill: That’s evil. In a cute way. Molly: We’re professionals. The children must never suspect a sophisticated criminal lifestyle. It must remain whimsical. Bill: Right. Like Robin Hood, but with better sneakers. Molly: Speaking of sneakers, your laces are untied. Bill: They’re tied to my dreams. Molly: They’re untied. Bill: Okay, fine. I’ll tie them. Don’t judge me. Molly: I’m not judging. I’m forecasting. Bill: Forecasting what? Molly: That you’ll trip over a toy dinosaur and announce our presence with your face. Bill: My face announces itself even when I try not to. It’s loud. Molly: Bill, zip the bag. Bill: Which bag? Molly: The giant one. The one we stole from a hardware store because it was “on sale.” Bill: Oh. That bag has a brand name. It says “RIDGID.” Molly: Don’t read it out loud. Brands are like magnets for attention. Bill: Okay. Bag is silent. Bag is ready. Molly: We go in, grab, and out. No hero moments. No capes. No compliments to the magician. Bill: I can’t promise no compliments. He’s got eyeliner confidence. Molly: Compliments are a gateway drug. Bill: Fine. No compliments. Just robbery with restraint. Molly: That’s better. Now listen: if we get caught, you say you’re the birthday cake delivery guy. Bill: I can do that. I have a mustache I can pretend is a disguise. Molly: I’m not giving you that mustache. It looks like it belongs on a villain. Bill: It’s a friendly villain mustache. Like a substitute teacher for chaos. Molly: Quiet. I hear the door. Bill: That’s just the wind. Molly: The wind does not jingle gift wrap. Bill: Maybe it’s a haunted attic wind. Molly: Bill, stop. Ready? Bill: Ready. Steal all presents, leave no evidence, and pretend we were never here. Molly: Exactly. Bill: And if there’s one present that’s suspiciously heavy? Molly: We take it too. Bill: Even if it’s a giant plush robot? Molly: Especially if it’s a giant plush robot. Those are basically walking cashiers. Bill: Molly, you’re terrifying. Molly: Thank you. Move.